It turns out all of the non-NJ-based fans crying foul over Ilya Kovalchuk’s massive 17-year deal with the New Jersey Devils were right.

In a news conference held this morning to introduce Kovalchuk to the media, Devils GM Lou Lamoriello admitted he only offerred the contract to the star winger because he “has a heart of pure coal” and wanted to force a lockout so he could take a year-long vacation.

Yesterday, the Devils confirmed they had won the weeks-long battle to sign Kovalchuk, inking the sniper to a 17-year, $102 million contract — an unprecedented move in team history.

The news conference began normally, until one reporter asked Lamoriello why he offerred such a lengthy contract.

“Well we clearly thought that Ilya was, uh, the best, ahem,” he started. “Bwahahahaha I can’t fucking do it. It’s too hard. Oooooh man. Nah seriously, Ima bout to sink this son of a bitch. Louie Lams needs some time in Bermuda.”

Asked to elaborate, Lamoriello said the subject of front-loaded, excessively long contracts is surely going to be a sticking point negotiations when the Collective Bargaining Agreement expires in 2011, but only a contract so clearly designed as an affront to the current system would all-but guarantee another lockout.

“Hat trick baby. And this one’s gonna be long,” he said. “And by the way, anyone who says I’m simply exploiting a flawed system that countless other teams in the league have already exploited to give my team and its fans the best chance possible to win another Stanley Cup doesn’t know Lou Lamoriello.  I mean we’re going to do all that, win the cup and all, but this shit’s pure evil.”

Lamoriello went on to say he wasn’t finished.

“Oh hell no.  Zach Parise? We’re about to sign him until he’s 59 at a cap hit of $2.4 million. I’m even going to bring Alexander Mogilny back from the dead for 14 years at the cap hit of a pint of Haagen Dazs,” he said. “In fact, let me show you exactly what I think about the Collective Bargaining Agreement.”

At that point, Lamoriello pulled out a copy of the CBA, crumpled it up and launched it with a jump shot across the room into a garbage can.

“Kovy!”

Asked if he felt sorry for fans of other franchises held hostage during the Kovalchuk’s nearly three-week holdout, Lamoriello struck a more serious tone.

“Oh certainly. I have a lot of respect for the other teams involved in this process. Each of them BAAAAhahahahahaha. I just can’t do it.  They can kiss the rings that are about to line my fingers. And what’re they gonna do about it? I’m already in the Hall of Fame!”