Dozens of Russian-born NHL players have been receiving surprise letters in the mail this week, demanding they immediately return to their homeland to complete several years of “mandatory military hockey duty.”

Signed by Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, the letters demand each of the players to return to Russia and prepare for the great hockey war by playing in the Kontinental Hockey League for a period of at least five years “or until the National Hockey League ceases to be.”

“Now is a moment of great Russian importance. We know the next world war will be fought with sticks on skates and we must be prepared,” Putin wrote.

News of the letters first broke when Alexander Ovechkin received the message to his hockey cyborg mainframe, immediately left the Washington D.C. charity event he was running and eventually walked silently into the Atlantic Ocean to begin his journey home.

Some, like Ilya Kovalchuk, were unhappy with the call back home.

“I was just about to decide if I wanted to meet with the Los Angeles Kings again,” said the free agent winger.

Some American and Canadian officials saw the move as a re-escalation of Cold War tactics. U.S. President Barack Obama was said to be considering pulling all Americans out of Russia, before he realized the only U.S. citizens in the area were spies.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ultimately decided the same course of action, after realizing no Canadian has done anything important but play hockey ever.

Chciago Blackhawks Captain Jonathan Toews said he was worried about the prospect of playing without Russian players.

“It’s scary.  Without the Ovechkins, Semins or Kovalchuk’s of the world, the number of teams who have brilliant regular seasons but flameout in the playoffs drops dramatically,” he said. “I mean Joe Thornton is amazing, but even he can’t shoulder that amount of fail.”