Our special investigations units has been on a roll lately, and it was only a matter of time (see: week of insufferable nonsense) before we battened down the hatches and took a look at just what is holding up the free agent signing of star russian winger Ilya Kovalchuk.

Kovalchuk, one of the most talented free agents to ever hit the market, has sent hockey fans through a gauntlet of rumors and falsehoods over the last week as he continues to weigh a free agency market that took Sergei Gonchar all of six minutes to figure out.

Rumors have had Kovalchuk on the verge of signing with the Los Angeles Kings, the New Jersey Devils and even in Russia, but after a full week the Russian superstar remains teamless.

The ITB investigative reporting unit spent a full day making calls to trusted sources while accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of not reporting individual twitter posts as fact — and we struck pay dirt. After a full day of pulling the proverbial teeth of our vast hockey intelligence network, late last night ITB was faxed a list of some of  Kovalchuk’s contract demands that seem to be gumming up the works.

Without further ado, here are some of Kovalchuk’s contract demands that appear to have brought the market to a standstill.

1.   Requires that his Nickelback tribute band, Rublefront, play a center ice concert between each intermission.

2.  LA Kings talks fell apart upon Kovalchuk’s demand to be on TMZ, but he was bumped when the celebrity news outlet obtained footage of Suri Cruise farting at daycare. Kings countered with a spot on Versus’ new show “Lifestyles of the Comfortably Living and Marginally Famous” but Kovalchuk refused.

3. Demands team dressing room have an M&M mural of him scoring a playoff goal before each game, but teams struggling to find any evidence to use as a guide.

4.  Team must allow him to leave to help Russia lose another international hockey tournament whenever necessary.

5.  Requires an accused Russian spy to call him everyday and give him “the scuttlebutt.”

6.  Every player on team must agree to sign Jay Grossman as an agent and wear a patch on their jerseys bearing his resemblance.

7.  Contract must include  ”no backchecking” and “no clutch scoring” clauses.

8.  Team to sign him must put out a rumor of him signing to five other sub-.500 teams.  All interested teams having trouble finding a reporter to believe he would sign in Columbus.

9.  If players like Devils forward Zach Parise and Kings defenseman Drew Doughty are going to insist “playing every shift with passion and reckless abandon” they must switch jerseys with Kovalchuk before the start of a game.

10. Malkin to the Kings.

11.  Finalized contract must be announced through nationally-televised, hour-long special that consists solely of a Rube Goldberg device that eventually announces which team he has chosen. (Must include ESPN’s Pierre LeBrun in a panda suit, TSN reporters piloting skywriting planes and  Eklund battling the Kraken.)