As the Ilya Kovalchuk NHL hostage crisis – henceforth known as “Ilya Gonna Come My Way?” – reaches day 11, the desire for something – anything – please god, just tell us what he had for lunch, prove he’s alive for christsake! – becomes overwhelming.  More than a week has passed since the prized left winger became a free agent, with new rumors and reports of offers from a number of teams spreading across the NHL blogosphere like wildfire.

Here at Intent To Blow, we’ve worked tirelessly to sort through the information and disseminate truth from rumor (OMG I said disseminate – that has Semin in it!  Kovalchuk to the Caps!)

As the days trudge onward and actual work piles up while we all continue to refresh various rumor sites, one thing becomes clear – there’s something NHL fans don’t know.  But we at Intent To Blow are not fans, we’re respected journalists (at least, that’s the story we’re sticking to) and, after some serious digging, we’re able to provide you with the same list of offers Ilya Kovalchuk himself is weighing as he makes his much-anticipated decision.  There’s some surprises here, and surely by the time you’re done reading, you’ll see why it’s taken Kovalchuk so long to make a decision – and why it could be many more weeks to come.

The Offers

Let’s begin where Kovalchuk ended the ’09-’10 campaign, with the New Jersey Devils.  There’s been a number of rumors being bandied about the internet in the last week – one of which sees the Devils offering Kovalchuk a 17-year, $100 million contract that would keep Ilya in Newark for the remainder of Kovalchuk’s career.

While the prospect of living out his glory days in Newark sounds…uhm…tantalizing, says Kovalchuk, the rumor is not entirely true.  The offer is actually $100 million over the course of 170 years, a decidedly smaller cap hit of $588,235.30.  While this would allow the Devils plenty of cap space to build a team around him, Kovalchuk is balking at the idea of a backloaded contract, one that would see the majority of salary paid out after year 100.

The Los Angeles Kings have been in, then out, then in again, then out again, then in one more time, then having lunch at In-N-Out Burger, then out of ketchup, then in the restroom, and now possibly maybe kinda sorta back in the hunt for Kovalchuk in the time since the sniper went on the market.  Kovalchuk is said to like the idea of living in southern California and playing for a young team with a strong core already in place.  In fact, Kovalchuk is said to be so excited by the possibility, he’s willing to sign there for $12.50/hour and reimbursement for travel expenditures.  Unfortunately, the Kings have a strict three-month-service rule before employees can qualify for travel stipends, resulting in the current impasse between the team and the Russian superstar.

The Nashville Predators have plenty of cap space and have been interested in acquiring Kovalchuk’s services since day one, but have been unable to get a meeting with Ilya.

“We call his agent, Jay Grossman, like five or six times a day,” said Ghee Buttersnaps, director of player development for the Preds.  “At first he’d laugh, be all like ‘Hah, that’s cute, but there’s totally not a hockey team in Nashville, come on.’  Now he just curses and threatens to call the cops.”

The Edmonton Oilers have apparently expressed inte…ah, who are we kidding.  No one willingly moves to Edmonton.

Ilya Kovalchuk has won one playoff game in his career, and what better place to rectify that than with the Detroit Red Wings, owners of the longest current playoff appearance streak in the NHL?  Talk in the Kovalchuk camp is that the Wings are looking to shed salary in order to sign the winger to a one-year deal, not unlike what they did with Marian Hossa two summers ago.

Kovalchuk, however, is balking at the Wings plans to jettison the salaries of both Chris Osgood and Jimmy Howard, and go into the season with an octopus strung up in the net acting as a goaltender.  Apparently, according to our sources, it’s not even because he doesn’t think the octopus will make a good goaltender – he’s certainly seen worse in Atlanta – but that he’s not fond of slimy oily creatures, which also eliminates Roberto Luongo and the Vancouver Canucks from the Kovalchuk sweepstakes.

Finally, the Florida Panthers have apparently made a strong push for Kovalchuk in recent days.  Apparently emboldened by the moves of the Miami Heat, the Panthers plan to add Kovalchuk along with two other remaining free agent superstars.  Unfortunately for the Panthers, joining Ilya in Florida under this plan will be the underwhelming duo of Jed Ortmeyer and Vesa Toskala.  Naturally, Kovalchuk has some reservations.