With his national healthcare reform plan in a tenuous position, U.S. President Barack Obama rode into Vancouver on a horse and demanded that Canada hand over its universal healthcare or face “the ice hockey ass-kicking of a lifetime.”

Obama, who has been attempting to push through health care reform in the United States, read a resolution drafted in the United States Congress in the Olympic Village Sunday morning promising an epic defeat in the gold medal hockey game between USA and Canada Sunday after noon — unless, that is, the two countries swapped healthcare systems.

Obama stated:

“Whereas the United States does not have universal healthcare and is run by a group of do-nothing ninnies and arch-conservative douchebags who couldn’t agree to pass a bill if their life depended on it.

And Whereas Canada must win this hockey game in order for the world to remember they are, in fact, a country.

Be it resolved, that should Canada not turn over its healthcare system to the United States by 2:59 p.m. eastern, the United States men’s hockey team strike down the Canadians with such force that God himself would blush.”

Obama then fled the city on horseback, leaving hundreds of confused onlookers in his wake.

“Was that Barack Obama?” said Norwegian tourist Bjorn Rapeandpillagestad. “He does know there are better ways to get his message across right? Like, I’m not going to go tell the Canadian prime minister or something. That was fucking weird.”

Reached for comment, Team USA captain Jamie Langenbrunner was startled to learn of Obama’s action.

“He didn’t really consult us on this or anything,” Langenbrunner said. “He just showed up at our optional skate last night and said if we don’t win we’ll be deported. That’s kind of a lot of pressure. I would have been blown away, but I couldn’t get over the fact that he came onto the rink on a giant horse.”

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper could not be reached for comment.  A spokesman for the prime minister, Gordon Mapleleaf, said Harper was busy “preparing for the potential collapse of the country, should they not win.”