Posted by Martin Brodeur may once have been Canada’s hockey poster child, but now he may find himself listed as public enemy number one.
Following Team Canada’s 5-3 loss to the Americans in last night’s Olympic brouhaha, Canadian netminder Martin Brodeur shocked an entire nation (or two) as he went on the record admitting that the loss was intentional.
Brodeur may be looking over that shoulder more than usual after his announcement.
The NHL’s winningest goaltender cited his newly appointed American citizenship as the problem.
“I just couldn’t do it,” admit Brodeur, “I’m one of them, now. I couldn’t sit back there and beat my fellow citizens. I mean, that would be unpatriotic, right? I’d probably end up the punchline of a Stephen Colbert joke, or even in the lyrics of the next Anti-Flag album or something. I honestly don’t know why everyone is so shocked. It was pretty obvious that I had ‘USA’ written on my stick the whole game.”
As expected, the mind-altering news sent shock waves all throughout the great white north. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, fresh off his grammatical defeat regarding the spelling of the word “defense“, is not taking Brodeur’s actions lightly.
“Mr. Brodeur has done this great country a grave injustice.” Harper said as he spoke to his nation. “To blow a hockey game is one thing, but to embarrass your country by allowing Brian Rafalski to figuratively urinate all over you is quite another.”
It is believed that Prime Minister Harper is seeking strict disciplinary actions for Brodeur, including a lifetime ban from Hockey Canada, revocation of his restaurant license, and possible deportation.
The pain and betrayal being felt by Canadians far and wide is staggering. Many have already assembled outside Martin Brodeur Arena in Quebec, protesting that the arena be reverted back to it’s old alias, St. Leonard Arena.
“I just can’t fathom this right now.” Said Julie MacPherson, an appalled fan and Montreal citizen. “I sure hope he does believe in miracles, because it will most likely take one to save his (butt) after this one.”
Other outraged fans have taken to hurling rocks and brutally defacing Brodeur’s Italian restaurant, La Pizzeria, Etc.
Team USA defenceman Brian Rafalski was not available for comment and has not yet answered our friend request on Facebook.
yeah thats right, he sucksssss. way to blow it all for us brodeur.
Oh what ever, it was the entire teams fault. Canada’s defense sucked and let USA run all over them. Broduer wasnt not great but it was not all his fault.
That hurts. It really does. He said it would be unpatriotic to defeat the USA, but is it not unpatriotic to intentionally blow a game for your home country? Fuck you, Brodeur.
Just so we’re clear. This is a satirical news site. Marty is still Canada’s golden boy. So don’t fret, he’d never say anything like this.
Man, I feel like such an idiot now, haha. Thanks for clearing that up, Steve.
Haha I think the comments are just as funny. You believed that? Ahahahahaha. Oh. Oh my. Oh.