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Ovechkin was forced to play all of the Capitals Feb. 13 game against the St. Louis Blues on his knees.
NHL leadership has urged game officials to “just make shit up” after it became clear that Washington Capitals freakstar Alexander Ovechkin could not be stopped by today’s conventional game or players, internal memos revealed this week.
Memos obtained by Intent to Blow throughout February reveal that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, frustrated by Ovechkin’s recent streak of freakshow awesomeness, issued an order for refs to begin creating rules in an attempt to stymie the Russian.
“He scored with one-fucking hand the other night for christsake,” one memo read. “And what the hell was that coming back from three goals down in the third crap against Pittsburgh? Crosby’s our golden child not that asshole! This needs to end.”
Other correspondence throughout the month of February indicate that Bettman’s scheme was first put into action on Feb. 10 when Ovechkin, apparently bored with conventional goal-scoring, used the body of Montreal Canadiens defenseman Hal Gill as a hockey stick to score what most anticipated would be his 43rd goal of the season.
Game officials disallowed the goal, arguing that Canadiens goaltender Carey Price never got the chance to play the puck when Ovechkin launched Gill and the puck into the net with a monstrous hit.
When Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau asked why Ovechkin needed to let Price know if he planned to shoot the puck in such an unorthodox manner, a linesman replied simply “shut up, that’s why.”
Asked for comment after the game, Ovechkin simply flashed a sinister smile, lit a nearby goal on fire with his eyes, punched a hole in the ceiling and flew out of the arena.
Cornered in a several hour long interview with Intent to Blow, NHL disciplinarian Colin Campbell eventually admitted the plot.
“He just became too strong, too powerful. When we created him we never expected this to happ..err..I mean when he was drafted,” Campbell said. “We didn’t create Alex in a secret lab under Joe Louis Arena. That’s just silly.”
“But don’t go looking just in case.”
Great stuff…..can’t stop em? Make up rules to contain them.
Tongue stuck in OV’s bunghole much?
Don’t worry we’ll get to sid
. You’ve gotta admit that OV’s a freak though. We need sid to do something worth parody though! He’s just freaking good without frills!
Hysterical. Love this site… it’s like the Onion, but it has more than 2 hockey articles a year. Keep it up!
Funniest shit i’ve read this year. You guys plan on coming out with any merch so i can display my love for this site publicly?
Someday maybe. Gotta get a little more famous though, I think, hah.
Thanks! We’ve talked about merch and we’ll prob set up a cafe press or something sometime soon, but we wanted to at least get the site rolling for a month first heh. When/if we do, we’ll definitely put up an article announcing it.
Thanks for reading!
Picture Fail!!!
“Ovechkin was forced to play all of the Capitals Feb. 13 game against the St. Louis Blues on his knees.”
The boards behind say “this is sharks territory”
Great article nonetheless
Hah! Great catch.