Dan Ellis

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The NHL announced Wednesday that all future CBA and contract negotiations will be moved to Twitter, citing the social network’s unbelievable capacity to boil endlessly complicated and controversial topics down to 140 characters or less.

The move follows the warm welcome Tampa Bay Lightning goaltender Dan Ellis received from fans earlier this week while venting his frustrations about salary reductions through escrow — a complex legal labor tool employed by the league to guarantee revenue goals are met.

“I’ve been through countless meetings that ran hours long and got us nowhere,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman Wednesday. “When all along I could have been voicing my concerns through a faceless web application using LOLcats language.”

The NHL kicked off renegotiating its collective bargaining agreement earlier today, tweeting the following:

GBettsNHL: @FehrMeBettman OMG, tot. losing money, pay players in bananas in 2012? Lolz. Srsly, need to set esrow @ 97 %.

Donald Fehr, a NHL Players’ Association advisor widely expected to take over the helm at the union, responded almost immediately, showing the new negotiating tactic’s promise.

FehrMeBettman: @GbettsNHL ROFLCOPTER. Up player salaries 25 % or I’ll be @ your office w/ bat again. TTYS

NHL teams also caught on quickly. The Columbus Blue Jackets and goaltender Steve Mason, who are working on a contract extension also took their talks to the Web today.

SteveMasonDixon: @CBJPlayoffsin2018 I can haz 7 yrs, $7M per? No one else will stay in Columbus that long. Its a steal!

CBJPlayoffsin2018: RDRR Neither will you. :0 :p Google yer 10-11 stats. OMG LOL .

In other news, Puck Daddy’s Greg Wyshynski is widely expected to be kidnapped and tortured later today after he for some reason agreed to host an NHL trick shot competition less than 48 hours after blasting one of its players, Dan Ellis, for his questionable Twitter activity.

Update: A brazen Wyshynski showed up early to the NHL store in Manhattan, where he will be judging an NHL 11 Trick Shot Competition, wearing a t-shirt scrawled with “I Heart Goalie Escrow,” but his fate may be sealed.

Chicago Blackhawks star Patrick Kane, who will be participating in the competition, unveiled on his Facebook page plans to debut his trick shot “The Wysh,” which will consist of him deking twice before dropping everything, tying Wyshynski up and sending him via overnight UPS to the door of Dan Ellis.

In lieu of flowers, Puck Daddy is requesting all efforts are made to intercept any UPS driver entering Florida over the next 24 hours.

Jaroslav Halak

Hours after drawing thousands of people out to a farewell autograph signing in Montreal, newly-inked St. Louis Blues goaltender Jaroslav Halak was seen doing one last favor for Habs fans: teaching Carey Price how to stand on his head.

Halak took the starting job from Price late last season before leading the Canadians on a glorious run to the Eastern Conference Finals, largely possible due to his exemplary goaltending.  Many Canadians fans were upset by Halak’s departure to St. Louis this summer, but he said he was determined to make it up to them.

“It’s the least I could do,” Halak said. “It took a while for me to explain to Carey that standing on your head is only an expression. For the first hour I’d show him something about positioning and he’d respond by doing a headstand. But I think he’ll be fine.”

Halak said he is now working to adjust to the pressures of working in St. Louis, where all of his actions are scrutinized by a single newspaper.

“It’s going to be tough, especially coming from a quiet hockey town like Montreal,” he said. “The first time I walked around the city people were saying ‘good morning’ to me and someone shook my hand and welcomed me to the city. He said he was the mayor, but I knew he must’ve been paparazzi. Gotta stay on my toes.”

Price could not be reached for comment.  His agent said Price was busy trying not to collapse under the tremendous pressure he is facing.

Days after the official announcement that the team had signed Ilya Kovalchuk for  238 light-years, the New Jersey Devils offered a promotion to “reel in” season-ticket subscribers by offering them a Kovalchuk t-shirt and a $17 (clever) food voucher with every paid account.

Fans may be "puttin' on the plastic" if a better offer isn't extended later this week.

“With the kind of off-season we’ve had to endure, this is completely bush-league.”  Rants 15-year season subscriber Ray Alberton of North Bergen, NJ.  “I was forced to spend nearly my entire summer just sitting around F5-ing the bejesus out of my Web-TV keyboard, and this is my reward?  My wife left me, I lost my job, my kids don’t speak to me anymore, and just this morning my dog swallowed my favorite guitar pick.  But ya know, thank god I’ve got a food voucher that will cover half the cost of my single order of chicken fingers and a Heineken.  That’s the best you can do?!  I’ve received better offers in my G-Mail from Nigerian princes!”

Alberton is just one of nearly 7,000 Devils season subscribers that have collectively submitted a deadline to Devils owner Jeff Vanderbeek demanding that the promotional offer be improved before the team plays it’s first pre-season game on September 18th.  If no such offer is extended, the fans have stated they will not only cancel their season subscriptions, but will use their funds to purchase New York Knicks season ticket

“We have heard and understand the position of our season ticket holders,” said Vanderbeek in a statement, “and we ask for their cooperation in this matter.  The cleverness of the $17 food voucher is being totally overlooked here.  Do I have to explain it?  Kovalchuk?  Number 17?  C’monnnnn!!”

Fans haven't been happy with Mottau's...well, everything.

Despite Vanderbeek’s stance, the two sides did negotiate for nearly 25 minutes this weekend.  An insider to the negotiations has informed us that the fans are looking for an extra “goodie” thrown into the package, believed to be the latest season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on DVD.   The addition of the DVD box-set could possibly leave the team with little to no available financial freedom to re-sign defenseman Mike Mottau.

“If that’s all we have to part with, then I think the sacrifice would be worth it.”  Alberton claims.  “Mottau already reminds me of Danny DeVito on ice skates.  I’d rather watch the real Danny DeVito act out his lunacy in a way that won’t make me consider becoming an Islanders fan.”

The fans and Mr. Vanderbeek have agreed to meet with Harry Landers, who serves as Prudential Center’s main HVAC technician and President of the Devils marketing department, sometime during the Ghost Adventures marathon being aired Tuesday afternoon on Travel Channel.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Devils GM Lou Lamoriello said in what was meant to be a triumphant press conference Friday afternoon. “No one has a pen? Are you serious? You’re all fucking journalists, what the hell are you taking this down with. iPhones?! Oh just fucking great.”

The more than two month-long saga could continue even longer, as the problem appeared to deepen.

Moments later, Devils owner Jeff Vanderbeek, who claimed he had a pen, discovered that it had exploded in his pocket. Coincidentally, a truckload of Bic pens bound for Newark stores overturned on Route 78 near Warren, NJ, earlier this afternoon.

“Russians, we do not believe in ink,” Kovalchuk himself said when asked for a writing implement. “If you don’t have pen, I will sign with blood or vodka, you choose.”

As of press time, there was no word on whether Gary Bettman would enact a special “no pen” clause in the league’s agreement with the NHLPA, which allows him to delay the approval of the contract until 2015.

Sigh.

Oh wait, I’m sorry, what i really I meant was RAAAAAAARRRRHAGHAGH.

Since we’ve been closer than the truth than we would’ve liked over the last few months in covering the great Kovalchuk hostage crisis, let’s just say it’s going to end today mmkay?

The NHL will approve the contract minus a lockout-guaranteeing supershowdown with the Donnie Fehr and his gang of bandits and everyone will be angry at the Devils as they march towards the Stanley Cup.

Super. It’s done then.

Since that’s totally how it’s going to go (Bettman if you fuck this up for me so help me God.), I thought we’d do a nice recap of everything that’s transpired this summer.

Shall we?

Our story actually began on a cold February evening, when Ilya Kovalchuk was traded to the New Jersey Devils.

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Fans couldn’t believe it, but it was real. The Devils actually had more than one person who could score a goal.

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But then they could, because as it turned out, Kovy couldn’t score much but other teams had no problem.

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The season was over, and Kovalchuk was sure to leave New Jersey. Rumors began to fly.

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As July 1 past, offers were made, but one week turned into two and still we heard nothing.

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Urge to kill rising.

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July kept passing. And still nothing. Hey, remember the Russian spy thing?

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We got a look inside the negotiations. They were about as absurd as we expected.

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Then, out of nowhere, Lou Lamoriello introduced everyone to the term “salary cap circumvention.”

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After getting a close look at the league, arbitrator Richard Bloch figured he had to stick around for a while.

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Then it was July 1 again. That was weird.

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The Kings hired Bill Murray just to be safe.

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The Devils tried the ol’ “hey did you know Ilya Kovalchuk is actually four years younger?” bit.

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Gary Bettman didn’t bite.

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This is likely what will happen by the end of today.

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The End………?????

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If not? There’s always this.

Gary Bettman

The NHL and NHLPA mutually agreed to extend the deadline for approving or denying the New Jersey Devils 15-year contract offer made to Ilya Kovalchuk yesterday and are said to be in round-the-clock discussions about in hopes of extending the summer-long saga even further, sources told ItB.

Kovalchuk has been a free agent for more than two full months since free agency opened July 1, and as the source put it, they hope to keep it that way.

“It’s all part of the league’s plan to keep hockey in the news until the moment the puck drops on opening night. [Gary] Bettman and [Donald] Fehr are holding out hope that there’s a couple of fans from the Olympics that still have a passing interest and know if a day goes by this summer without a Kovy story in the news, it’s all over.”

Wacky ultimatums are the most popular option on the table, according to the another source. The New York Post broke the news that if the NHLPA doesn’t agree to various demands, the contracts of Kovalchuk, the Vancouver Canucks’ Roberto Luongo and Chicago Blackhawks’ Marian Hossa could all be voided.

“That way you have people involved from the east coast, west coast and midwest,” the source said. “You rile up the Tweeterati and the Hockey Fights forums. People are blind with rage and frustration, but they’re talking hockey.”

If the two sides can’t figure out how to resolve the situation, there is what sources are calling the “nuclear option,” where Fehr and Bettman would storm out of NHL headquarters and simultaneously slam adjacent doors, the official way to declare a lockout in the league.

The lockout would miraculously be resolved when, on the eve of opening night, Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby would ride into New York City on golden stallions, fight and slay the demon Glen Sather and freeze-frame high five Gary Bettman in Times Square as the credits begin to roll.

This route is not preferred by NHL brass, however, because everyone knows Russians don’t like horses. Everyone.

If the Kovalchuk saga can be drawn out as NHL and NHLPA officials hope, Kovalchuk is expected to sign a 7-year $15 million contract with, let’s say the Florida Panthers, because as everyone knows this was always about hockey and never about money.

The end…….???

Khabibulin, who was caught driving his ferrari at twice the legal limit or performing a drunken rocket skate jump over the Grand Canyon, depending on who you ask, jumped out of his seat as the verdict was read.

“You can’t do this to me! I’ll die!” Khabibulin wailed. “Send me to jail, at least there i’ll have a better chance of sniffing the NHL playoffs.”

According to the ruling, handed down by Judge B. Monte Morgan — who is known for his stiff punishments – Khabibulin will be forced to play goaltender for the Edmonton Oilers at a salary of more than $3.7 million a year.

“I’ve sentenced men to wear pink underwear and work in the baking desert heat,” Morgan said. “But there is no worse punishment I can imagine than toiling away in the barren wasteland of Edmonton amid a 20-year team rebuilding project.”

Khabibulin’s attorneys immediately appealed the ruling and are expected to ask instead for probation or at least a league minimum salary playing for the St. Louis Blues.

After weeks of waiting, arguably the biggest free agent on the market - Tim Kennedy - has finally signed a contract.

In what is nearly universally believed to be the most anticipated signing of Free Agency 2010, the New York Rangers have secured the services of forward Tim Kennedy.  Yes, THAT Tim Kennedy.

Kennedy, the much-balleyhooed winger who was totally NOT waived and then bought out by the Buffalo Sabres earlier this summer – where’d you ever get a ridiculous idea like that? – reportedly signed with the Rangers for around the league minimum of $550,000 for one season.

The young winger brings his 10 career goals and -3 rating across the state of New York to Madison Square Garden, where he’s expected to switch to center and pivot the fourth line with two wingers who are undoubtedly equally as awesome.

Intent To Blow’s attempts to reach Kennedy for comment were unsuccessful, because…well, c’mon, he’s TIM FREAKIN’ KENNEDY.  We’d have better luck getting comment from Lady GaGa.

With the Kennedy signing, the NHL is finally able to move out of the free agency holding pattern it’s been in over the past two months while Kennedy made a decision.  It’s expected other top-flight free agents like Wade Brookbank and Kyle Wellwood should land with new teams within the next few days.

The signing has had serious effect on hockey journalists as well, allowing reporters and bloggers alike to finally write a story this summer without mentioning Ilya Kovalchuk.

…ah, fuck.

Ilya Kovalchuk seen here in a recent game.

The National Hockey League at long last approved a 15-year contract that would send Ilya Kovalchuk to the New Jersey Devils Monday, only to have Kovalchuk retire immediately afterwards at the age of 42.

“It was really exciting to hear we had finally gotten it done. It’s been a long process,” Kovalchuk said after receiving word of the approved deal. “Sadly, my playing days are behind me. It’s time to hang them up.”

Kovalchuk said he had been holding out hope he would get to play at least a season with the Devils, but his muscles atrophied while waiting by the phone in the nearly 15 years it took to gain league approval.

40-year-old Zach Parise, who has been an free agent since a season after Kovalchuk’s negotiations began, hopes this will open a window for him to rejoin the team.

“Lou [Lamoriello] wasn’t able to conduct much large business until the deal was done, so I’m hoping now I’ll finally get to rejoin the guys,” Parise said on a break from managing a Newark McDonald’s. “I haven’t really had much contact with the team actually since, you know, Lou died a few days after his 80th birthday a couple years back.”

Martin Brodeur, now the head coach of the Devils, said he still remembers the few months he played with Kovalchuk and said he is glad the saga is finally over.

“Hopefully now that this and the 10-year lockout it caused are over we can get back to some real hockey,” Brodeur said. “It might not be exactly the same since we had to sell the Stanley Cup to Major League Baseball to keep us viable, but I think this Golden Globe Alicia Keys leant us will do just fine.”

While most were pleased to hear the contract had been signed, Chris Chelios — who recently signed a 3-year deal with the St. Louis Blues despite being in his early 60s — scoffed.

“What a pussy,” Chelios said.  ”I’d give my artificial hip to be 42 again.”

As it was widely reported, the Devils made a second effort towards signing Kovalchuk earlier this week, only to be rebuffed when the framework of the they presented was panned by the league.

“We’re drawing a line in the sand,” Bettman said Wednesday. “It is our belief that a defensive-minded team like the Devils having two potential 40-goal scoring threats would be a a direct violation of the collective bargaining agreement.”

Bettman said the CBA clearly states that any such effort by a team in the Atlantic Division to challenge the scoring prowess of the Pittsburgh Penguins and thereby threaten Sidney Crosby saving hockey is expressly forbidden.

“I don’t make the rules, it’s not in the script guys,” Bettman said. “We’ve got this whole Crosby-Ovechkin Canadian Cold War angle we’ve been working on for years now, we’re not about to throw a wrench in the works. Haven’t you ever watched a soap opera? There’s never two evil Russian doctors.”

When it was pointed out to him that Crosby’s right hand  man, Evgeni Malkin, was also Russian, Bettman laughed.

“Russian? His name’s Geno for crying out loud. We might as well give him an Mario Bros. mustache,” he said. “Pssh, this guy, he’s a funny one. Besides, doesn’t he play for the Kings now anyways?”

They want to resign Marty Brodeur until he’s 55 at $14.5 million per season, be my guest.