Faced with a mushrooming epidemic of star players being sidelined by head injuries, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced today that concussions will be banned from the sport of hockey, effective immediately.

“This has gotten out of hand. We’ve got guys that are so strung out on concussions they can’t remember their own name,” Bettman said. “From now on, any player caught receiving a concussion will be suspended indefinitely, potentially for their entire career.  We’re putting our foot down on this.”

The league has come under heavy criticism this year for doing too little to address the issue, and with stars like Sidney Crosby, Claude Giroux and Chris Pronger put on the sidelines in recent weeks, rancor among media, players and fans has only intensified.

“It has to stop,” Bettman said. “We’ve got guys laying down motionless on the ice for five, ten minutes during games. It’s an addiction that’s bringing down our sport. Hockey is about fighting, it’s about hard-hitting action. When a player can’t get punched in the face without needing a brain jiggling fix, what have we become?”

Apparently unaware of Bettman’s news conference, NHL Vice President Brendan Shanahan audibly sighed when asked about the new league provisions.

“Dammit, you let him watch one episode of Intervention,” Shanahan said, in between producing six head-shot suspension videos. “If you guys have any ideas, I’m all ears. But hey, while you’re here, you think I can suspend Mike Millbury for hitting a kid?”

The irony is palpable surrounding the Mike Lange attack.

Lang, 63, was attacked late Saturday night while leaving RBC Center in Raleigh, North Carolina after broadcasting the Penguins 3-2 win over the Hurricanes.  Those who witnessed the attack believe it was a practical joke that went way too far.

Eyewitnesses say a visibly intoxicated man wearing a Penguins jersey jumped Lange as he was exiting the building with his broadcast crew, and began stabbing him in the back with a hacksaw.  As Lange called out for help, he screamed “Someone is scratching my back with a hacksaw!”  However, instead of assitance, his crew simply continued walking, saying only “We get it, Mike, that goal by Dupuis WAS pretty awesome.”

It wasn’t until Lange, bloodied and laying face-down, blurted out “Elvis is leaving the building,” did people realize he was hurt.

“That’s when I knew something was wrong.” Said John Burgon, a soundboard operator for Lange.  ”He usually saves that line for when he’s about to blackout at the bar.  The timing just caught everyone’s attention.”

After being stabilized at a local Raleigh hospital, doctors say that Lange was conscious and responsive, but that he “didn’t know whether to cry, or wind his watch.”

Police currently have no suspects, but the absence of Paul Steigerwald from the post-game meal has law enforcement asking questions.

Pronger has apparently not moved from what was the Flyers defensive zone in a Nov. 9 game against the Lightning, where the Flyers made headlines for refusing to move the puck against Tampa Bay, who in turn, refused to break their defensive trap system.

“Yeah, after a while we just spray-painted him white so no one would notice,” said Bjorn Johansson, a Tampa Bay ice crew member. “He keeps shouting ‘mic check’ too, but I’m not sure he understands how that works.”

The Flyers have attempted to cover up the embarrassing one-man protest in recent weeks, suggesting that Pronger was suffering from a virus and now, evidently preparing for the worst, saying the bruising defenseman is out after undergoing knee-surgery.

But  the Tampa Bay Lightning organization is growing frustrated with Pronger’s presence in the defensive zone of the St. Pete Times Forum and sources told ItB they are weighing their options to evict him.

“Chris Pronger’s continued protest creates a growing health and safety hazard at the St. Pete Times Forum,” Lightning General Manager Steve Yzerman said this morning. “In that he repeatedly elbows any player that travels within the face-off circle. And stealing game pucks during play and denying it got really old, really quick.”

Reached for comment, Pronger explained his reasoning.

“Look, 99 percent of this world, actually 99.9 percent I’d venture to say, aren’t Chris Pronger. They can’t elbow the trap into oblivion like I can,” he said. “I’m protesting for all the non-Prongers out there. And it’s not just the trap.  I’m going to be here until there’s more parks in Winnipeg, until Zdeno Chara is charged with murder and until Teemu Selanne shares the fountain of youth with the rest of us.”

Pressed for comment, Flyers GM Paul Holmgren admitted he was having trouble coaxing his star defenseman to come back to the team.

“I said we hope to have him back in four weeks because that’s the next time we play in Tampa,” Holmgren said. “Even if he still refuses to move the puck people it’ll fit in with our gameplan.”

Crosby hasn’t played since last year after suffering a concussion in the first weeks of 2011. Crosby was expected to meet with a neurologist later this week in hopes of being cleared for contact, but was found lying on the floor, bleeding from the head after a fielding questions from a reporter scrum.

“Sid’s got a unique situation,” said his new doctor, Jeremy Roenick.  “He actually could have played sometime last year, but having to field the same question 1,400 times a day is enough to drive any man crazy.”

Crosby was said to have snapped after a reporter asked him the same question for his third straight follow up.

“Follow up Sid, are you sure you won’t be playing this Saturday? If not, surely your career is over right? And if so, can we pencil you in as a candidate for the Republican nomination for the president of the United States?”

The Penguins have been thriving in Crosby’s absence, going 3-0-1 in their first four games. Opposing players say  they have been dumbfounded by the fact that Matt Cooke is the team’s leading goal-scorer through three games.

“You miss Sid. He’s great for the game,” said Edmonton Oilers forward Ryan Smyth. “It’s been way too long since he’s slew-footed me and had me called for a penalty. I haven’t been knocked unconscious by Cooke in months only to have Mario Lemieux bitch to the media about me making headshots the next day. It just bums me out.”

Crosby’s return remains uncertain. In an effort to take the pressure off his star, Penguins General Manager Ray Shero said he has rekindled trade talks revolving around Evgeni Malkin with the Los Angeles Kings.

Adam Larsson as he appeared in the IKEA catalog

The New Jersey Devils’ upper brass are growing frantic after realizing IKEA failed to include assembly instructions for several of its Swedish players, putting the team’s  season jeopardy before it begins.

Hours ahead of a pre-season battle with the New York Rangers, the Devils coaching staff were scrambling to figure out how to put together its Swede-heavy lineup – which includes players like Alexander Urbom, Adam Larsson, Johan Hedberg, Mattias Tedenby and Henrik Tallinder.

“They sent over the instructions for a ‘Bjornberkl’with Larsson, whatever that is,” said newly minted coach Peter DeBoer. “He’s in 600 pieces. How the fuck am I supposed to put this kid together in two hours with nothing but an Allen wrench?”

Hedberg was originally slated to start in goal for the Devils tonight, but assistant coach Larry Robinson had trouble assembling him using instructions in German.

“When I was done, he looked like a moose,” Robinson said. “I thought maybe no one would notice, but then I figured those tall, skinny legs made his five-hole huge.”

Colorado Avalanche General Manager Greg Sherman said he sympathized.

“It’s tough to say if its worth the trouble,” he said. “We bought a Peter Forsberg on the cheap. It worked great for a few years and then the legs just fell off.”

Devils GM Lou Lamoriello said he remained confident that his lineup would be intact by opening night.

“It’s the price you pay for quality,” he said. “I can’t deal with that made in America or Canada crap. We bought a Travis Zajac off of eBay over the summer and it fell apart in three days.”

“I think it’s safe to say this isn’t working out,” Holmgren said. “All no movement clauses, like Ilya’s, are written in pencil these days, so we’ve erased it and expect to have him out of town by nightfall.”

Asked who possible trade partners might be, Holmgren said there are a few potential options.

“We’re looking at anywhere that is totally barren of public parks,” he said. “Probably Detroit.”

A crestfallen Bryzgalov was spotted at several of Philadelphia’s  illustrious public parks this morning, but said the city’s abundant green space provided little solace.

“Every time I sat down someone would jump out of the bushes and start throwing batteries at me,” he said. “I think my family needs to be in a place that is more understanding of how to recycle disposable energy cells.”

In related news, it is believed the Toronto Maple Leafs, who defeated the Flyers 4-2 last night, are preparing to offer their first round draft picks through 2027 in exchange for the Russian netminder.

Bryzgalov is said to be amenable to such a move because the residents of Toronto have been too cripplingly sad to hurl anything at under-performing players for decades.

“I just had him stand next to me the entire time,” Byfuglien said. “(Team physicians) took one look at that tanker truck with pieces of cheeseburger hanging out of his mouth and said, nah, no way is Dustin that big.”

Byfuglien sent shockwaves through the hockey world earlier this summer when he was arrested for allegedly driving a boat while intoxicated. Arrest records showed Byfuglien weighed nearly 300 pounds, which immediately became the meatiest element of the story.

Byfuglien was arraigned on four charges stemming from the incident this morning and said he wanted to come clean.

“You know what, I’ll go ahead and say it. I’m fat,” he said to a scrum of reporters after a court appearance. “If that distracts you from the fact that I could have killed someone while driving a boat drunk, then let’s do this. Someone get me a turducken.”

Jets team physician Larry Spiegelman admitted that he became suspicious of Byfuglien’s apparent weight loss shortly after conducting the physical.

“I swear I saw him putting ketchup on Bryan Little. I couldn’t tell though. Wellwood was at his locker on the opposite end of the locker room and was blocking out my view.”

Wellwood, despite actually being the third lightest player on the Jets training camp roster, continues to be dogged by questions about his weight.

The 28-year-old said he has suffered from a rare disorder that causes him to appear to others as a distorted, fat, circus mirror image of himself.

“Swear to God guys, I weigh 180 pounds,” he said, while standing on a scale that read 181 pounds during his physical. “This is such bullshit!”

Spiegelman patted Wellwood on the back and quietly wrote 340 in the weight column.

“God dammit,” Wellwood sighed.

“Last night we tried out a new overtime format that was hands down the most exciting change we’ve tested so far,” Shanahan told ItB. “It’s a 1-on-1 format, just a goalie and a shooter. Each team takes turns swapping roles, trying to score on the other’s goalie, best of five rounds.  I tell ya it’s gangbusters.”

The league has been toying with all sorts of ideas to improve its overtime format, currently consisting of a five minute overtime followed by a shootout. Since its inception, the shootout has been widely criticized as little more than a skills competition, something Shanahan believes the new format may improve on.

“I think this could be a vast improvement,” Shanahan said. “It boils hockey down to its essence, guys showcasing their skills in heated competition.”

He added “Right now I’m calling it the “Sensational Heated Opposition Of Teams Overtime Ultimate Throwdown, but that’s just a working title.”

“Look I said some things I shouldn’t have said, didn’t treat Shea with the respect that he deserves,” Poile said Wednesday morning. “But fighting with Shea this summer has taught me how much I value our relationship. He stormed out and left his beard on my desk. Sometimes I wear it just to remember better times.”

Weber was awarded $7.5 million in arbitration earlier this month after the two sides couldn’t work out a long term deal to extend their marriage. Weber conceded it will take some work to repair the damage done in the prior fighting, which saw Poile lowball his prized partner at $4.5 million during the hearing.

“He said I couldn’t captain a lifeboat, that I loved facial hair more than the team,” Weber said. “That hurt. But you play all your life to come to a Mecca of hockey like Nashville, there’s so much history here. That playoff series we won, the uh, that year we were founded. It’s memories like that you fight to preserve.”

The two will attend bi-weekly sessions with a couples therapist and hope to rebuild the trust that last year helped the team outdraw the Nashville Metros, the city’s fourth tier professional soccer team, in attendance.

“It’s going to be tough, but I think we can do it,” Weber said. “I’ve gotta stop listening to people like Brian Burke who keep telling me I’m too good for him.”

In related news, TMZ reports that Drew Doughty has been seen canoodling with Mike Gillis and Pierre Gauthier after storming out of Kings GM Dean Lombardi’s office earlier in the week.