Vancouver Canucks

Ten things that will absolutely, without a doubt, probably happen in 2011-2012

With summer entering its waning months, one thing is certain: The Boston Bruins are probably still hungover. What’s more is that a new season is inching ever closer and that means it’s prediction time! For the sake of hockey withdrawal, Intent to Blow has compiled a two part series: a list of ten things that will absolutely, without a doubt, probably happen during the 2011-2012 season. Because really, it’s a

Vancouver police suspect P.K. Subban behind Stanley Cup riots

Days after post-Stanley Cup riots ravaged downtown Vancouver, Police Chief Jim Chu announced Friday afternoon believe blame actually rests with one man – P.K. Subban. In a news conference, Chu reiterated there was no way any Vancouver Canucks fans could possibly be involved in the riots, stating that it was all an elaborate plot carried out by the Montreal Canadiens defenseman. “We have uncovered a diabolical plot,” Chu said. “We

Kesler’s name mistakenly etched on Cup after he lurks into Bruins celebration

Vancouver Canucks star forward Ryan Kesler had his name etched on the Stanley Cup last night after lurking into the Boston Bruins Stanley Cup celebration following their game 7 victory over his team. Kesler, a repeat lurker, evidently stashed a Bruins jersey on the Canucks bench, put it on after the game ended and joined the Stanley Cup celebration with the Bruins. “I’d been preparing all year for this,” Kesler

Bruins plan Luongo failure themed carnival along Vancouver seawall

The Boston Bruins have secured a permit to hold a carnival on Vancouver’s seawall showcasing the NHL’s greatest goaltender implosions, a move that could seriously jeopardize Roberto Luongo’s plan to clear his mind ahead of game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Luongo, who says he walks along the scenic sea wall to clear his mind before games, will now have to face video footage of every goal he has

Bruins to replace Horton with Kodiak bear for Game 4

In what will surely be viewed as a retaliation for Aaron Rome’s late hit that ended Nathan Horton’s season last night, the Boston Bruins announced that a 1,400-pound Kodiak bear will replace him in the lineup. “We feel Mr. Sprinkles, on loan from the Russian National Circus, will give us the grit and fire we need to bring the Stanley Cup back to Boston,” said Bruins Coach Claude Julien. ”Additionally,

Citing unbearable fandom, Canadian PM officially makes Vancouver its own country

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that with Vancouver’s hockey fandom reaching an irritating fever pitch, he has formally signed paperwork to make the city it’s own country and later sent out to sea. “Look, we’ve already got the Habs. We ain’t getting rid of them and we don’t need another fanbase like them. So before they win the Cup I’d rather just nip this one in the bud,”

After grueling series, Canucks shocked to learn they have not yet won Stanley Cup

After a grueling seven-game series against defending champions the Chicago Blackhawks, the Vancouver Canucks were dismayed to learn they would be required to win three more series to win the Stanley Cup. The team was informed late Wednesday that it would begin another seven-game series with the Nashville Predators Thursday night, the second of what could be four total series. “Wait what?” said defenseman Kevin Bieksa. “But we already beat

Blues leading Kyle Wellwood to St. Louis with trail of pork steaks

The St. Louis Blues are hoping to add Kyle Wellwood by luring him from Russia with a trail of pork steaks, a popular St. Louis standby. The oft-eating Wellwood, who most recently played in the NHL for the Vancouver Canucks, had his contract voided recently by the KHL’s Atlant Moscow Oblast after violating a key clause in his contract — that he not try and eat the team president. To