The Philadelphia Flyers have hired a topiarist to try and trim the team’s ridiculously bushy playoff beards into more aerodynamic shapes, after many on the team appeared to be sluggish under the weight of their facial fur to open the Stanley Cup Finals this weekend. “Clearly we’re in some dire straights here,” said Flyers coach [...]
Hours before game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals Saturday, Blackhawks officials gave their core players a briefing on how to avoid an attack from the dreaded Zombie Chris Pronger. While many believe the Philadelphia Flyers defenseman’s notoriously dirty play simply makes him a leading member of the doucheoisie, he has actually been a zombie [...]
With his team languishing in the NHL playoffs as the only remaining team without a compelling storyline, Chicago Blackhawks General Manager Stan Bowman sent a baffling multi-page letter to reporters Monday morning detailing harrowing tails of hardship, triumph and heroism he said “were the real playoff stories.” The Blackhawks — a legitimately talented, growing and [...]
With the Western Conference playoff matchups set, Vancouver Canucks goaltender Roberto Luongo said he is hoping to finally win the respect of Canucks fans he feels have booed him incessantly for the last four seasons — particularly when he has performed well — by soundly fending off Chicago in the second round of the playoffs. “I [...]
The Chicago Blackhawks sent a formal letter to NHL Disciplinarian Colin Campbell Monday morning pleading for him to reconsider suspending star winger Marian Hossa, contending the team will be doomed to make it to the Stanley Cup Finals and lose if he’s in the lineup. Hossa received a five-minute boarding major Saturday for pushing Nashville Predators [...]
Team USA Forward Patrick Kane was spotted furiously trying to land a triple salchow Monday morning which sources say he hopes to break out in time for Team USA’s quarterfinal game Wednesday in hopes of luring wider coverage from NBC. NBC has consistently declined to show ice hockey on prime time network television, drawing the [...]
